Vomiting is Fun

*this is a contrarian essay which means that you write about something universally loved or hated and try to spin it. I wrote about the thing i hate most in life: vomiting*

Life is normally horrible. The most incriminating evidence against life is vomiting. I have never known a single person who enjoyed the act of puking. This general distaste among humans for throwing up is natural. It is normally preceded by intense abdominal pain and intense fear and anxiety. Understandably, it may be called an “unpleasant sensation” when the contents of one’s stomach defy the laws of gravity and exit the body via mouth and/or nostrils (only in especially violent episodes of vomiting will this truly ~disgusting~ occurrence take place). 

                  This evidence is substantial, but it’s not the whole story. There are many virtues of vomiting which are routinely overlooked. First of all, vomiting is kind of exciting. For most people, their schedule is monotonous. They attend school, or go to work every single day. This is extremely boring. It is a relief to mix things up with a mild physical illness such as throwing up your guts. Vomiting is normally unexpected, and provides immediate spontaneity to any schedule.

In conjunction with vomiting adding variety to one’s personal life, it also is a powerful conversation starter. Because the daily routine is routine, your friends and family will get tired of talking to you. However, if one has recently become violently ill and vomited, your social circles will take a sudden new interest in your life. It is always fascinating to learn that someone puked! Curiosity is immediately piqued, and a flood of questions will come your way. “When did you throw up?” “How many times did you throw up?” “Why did you vomit?” “How bad was it?” “Are you going to throw up again?” “What color was it?” “Did you shower after you threw up?” If your social life is feeling dull or stunted, you can rise to the center of attention if you can just manage to throw up (for a legitimate reason—the author does not condone or support bulimia).

                  Another positive attribute of vomiting is the credibility it adds to the claim that “you are sick”. People are inclined to discredit anything you say because, in general, they think you are more pathetic than them. If you say you are sick, you must be prepared to offer irrefutable evidence of the horrible things that are happening to your body. For example, if you say, “I’m not feeling well, I think I need to go home”, everyone will believe you are a weak, incapable, and wasted collection of cells unless you can visually demonstrate what is going wrong. A fever is somewhat impressive, but the quickest way to validate your statement is to be able to say “yeah I threw up”, or even better “I am throwing up right now” (the more dramatic the better). Vomiting is the most effective way of showing you are genuinely ill.

Before you decide that vomiting is the greatest vice of this world, remember that it has many positive attributes that will contribute to making you more likeable, popular, and believable. Vomiting’s ability to improve your reputation makes it a wonderful part of this life!

The End of an Era and Special Instructions on how to throw a birthday party

Today is my last day at Engage Global.

Any of you who follow me on snapchat will know that this comes as a devastating blow.

I love my job. I love the company, love the atmosphere, love the people.

But mostly I love the people. Ive been here a year and a half and the dull moments were few. Since the beginning i loved my colleagues. there's certainly been some turnover, but ive enjoyed each stage of people.

I described it this way to a friend. In 7th grade you've got your home room. You go there everyday and you see the same fiends (not a spelling error) every day. its comforting, and you secretly start looking forward to it. Engage is my homeroom. With all the potlucks, dance parties, makeovers, chats, games, lunches, roasting sessions, youtube videos, and pranks, I've felt right at home.

Rosy retrospect to the max.

To be frank, my love for engage
can never die. 

but even throwing in a pinch of realism, it's been a super fun job with lots of high quality human capital. im currently trying to low key convince at least 7 of the employees to leave Engage and start a company with me. At this point i have no idea what we would do but with this crowd we could get anything off the ground.

So to my Engage family--thanks you guys. It's been wonderful.

Now sadly, summer is coming to a close! so that is the only season worth living for so. sucks. It's been quite the adventure though this year. A healthy dose of both hard times and good times.

For starters, a new crew has arisen (you know who you are...). we are really into bachelor in paradise and also going to $5 movies on Tuesday nights. also cooking food but mostly eating out (boys love pizza and hamburgers i've learned. now i know why the mom cooks. because left to the dad a family will eat little caesars for eternity). This habit has been disastrous for my health but ok. I am alive. Maybe my quality of life [health] has been irreparably damaged but its the price you pay for running with the wolf pack.

But in true wolf pack fashion, we are a loyal bunch and last week a crew member had a birthday. If you know me, you know i mean business when it comes to birthdays.

I have a difficult time understanding people when they say "im not excited for my birthday"--but also I get a little bit excited when i hear it. because the very core of my soul sees a challenge to be embraced and overcome.

i then attempt to give said friend the BEST BIRTHDAY OF THEIR LIFE.
sometimes i am successful, sometimes i am not. the technique and goal requires a lot of meditation, forethought, and planning.

In order to succeed, you cannot just do what you would want--or what you think is fun. this is the detail many birthday-party planners overlook. instead, you must study your birthday boy/girl carefully and in a large variety of situations. Think back on previous interactions, important life decisions they've made, and off-handed comments they've thrown out. All of which will provide great insight into your subjects character, wishes, and desires.

*the off-handed comments are often the gold mine of creating a spectacular birthday celebration. living in these wistful words are the hopes and dreams of the birthday boy/girl, and they are often delighted that someone is astute enough to catch these most minor of details*

ask yourself: what do they like to do? what is their secret love or obsession? what are their hobbies? what is their myers-brigg personality? WHAT IS THEIR MYERS-BRIGG PERSONALITY. (this one has the potential to save lives and is especially important when determining if they are an extrovert or an introvert. You can almost kill an introvert with a fat guest list.)

Then you should figure out their love language. How do they like their love? Do they want presents? a really nice note? A kind service? these are a few of the elements one must take into consideration.

yes, this is time consuming. yes this is a lot of work. yes, you need to start about 6 months in advance. and yes, sometimes this is expensive (you will probably need to take out a smallish loan), but most of all, YES friendship is worth it.

Side note: i like to keep a journal with the names of all my best friends in it. you never know when creativity and ingenuity will strike, and a perfect gift will come to mind for a person you love. write it down, and when the time comes you are ready to give the best effin present ever.

Maybe this route isn't for everyone. but i love to make my friends feel special because I love to love my friends [and my fiends]. it's my MO--and I think i will write the author of the five love languages and tell them they need to make it 6 languages. the 6th is the celebration of birthdays. because that is for sure where i get off.

Happy new school year everyone.
my pro tip: honestly the bare minimum is good enough.

love Alaina


Important addendum: this is written v tongue in cheek. as per usual.

The Time I Had to Think

Summer means vacation and vacation means danger and near-death experiences.

This week my parents came into town with my lil sister emma.

Always it is so good to see the family!

The trip began on Saturday and we were making our way to the exotic Lyman, Utah. Us hip young cousins were not thrilled about going to Lyman, here is a picture explaining why

so now you know.

Saturday my parents were picking me up and it started with a bang. I knew my dad was coming into town and that my car was in a less-than-pristine condition. I knew this would be unacceptable and would result in nuclear warfare so I went to the gym and the car wash.

this car wash will soon be reported to the BBB because it was the single greatest disappointment in my life. i put a dollar into a super vac and it did nothing. i just stared at it for a minute trying to reason with it.

'like seriously this is insanely unprofessional. i paid you. do your job!!"

"            "

"alright well you are horrible"

"            "

So i lost a dollar and then i used the other super vac.  I was vacuuming one side and went around to the far side when suddenly the hose ripped out of the giant vacuum.

Sometimes when i get angry i start doing things super fast. so i ran back to the giant vacuum and starting jamming the hose back in while loudly directing negative comments at the machine.

I finished vacuuming...ish and then pulled my car into the wash area.

I entered 1.75 in quarters...SEVEN QUARTERS and then pulled out the washing gun. I pulled the trigger. Nothing.

At this point, i was not ready to admit defeat. Instead i became defiant. I was DETERMINED to make that machine work. So I collected another 1.75 in quarters and, smartly, put it in the same stall.

nothing.

BYU bachelors of science in economics people.
this is what i have to show.

grumbling, i got in my car, drove around to the next stall, and submitted ANOTHER $1.75.

this one worked and i thought i finally was teaching this car wash/dump a lesson. i carried the water gun in one hand and the scrubber in the other (which turned out to be a brutal bicep workout) so that i could wash my car completely in 3 minutes and 45 seconds without entering ANOTHER QUARTER.

it worked. and also i think i looked a little like jason bourne. precisely how he is shown here.

Jason Bourne with a gun

i finished with no seconds to spare.

i threw the tools back where they belonged, and gleefully i went to get in my car.


then.
drivers door: locked
right rear: locked
shotgun: locked
left rear: LOCKEDD

HOLY MOTHER

i was probably feeling rage by this time, and i think someone was pouring lava over my head because i was getting really hot really fast.

reluctantly i asked the girl in the stall next door if i could use her phone...mostly because she was decked in BYU gear and so naturally would be nice.

she was.

we chatted for a bit after i used her phone and i found out she is my legit neighbor. too bad i am so anti social that it takes me getting locked out of my car and stuck at a random car wash to meet my real neighbors.

gotta work on that

well 30 minutes later my good friend AAA showed up. (if any of you remember Ray, AAA also helped me out on that one. AAA is reliable and trustworthy)

in the meantime i laid on the cement and stared at the sky. i was totally unplugged for 30 minutes and it was quite possibly the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. i just had to wait--unentertained--for thirty minutes! I was getting so bored so then i decided i should think about some stuff.

thinking was actually a pretty cool experience.

and less boring than just laying there.

AAA guy Frank took a whole of 30 seconds to get my door open. and then he walked away and i didn't even get to say thank you. i stood there sort of dumbfounded hoping he would come back so i could properly thank my rescuer. but i never saw frank again.

be safe out there friends.

Additionally, this post is now entirely too long to talk about my vacation as well, so expect a riveting narrative of that experience soon.

Love Alaina

Frankie Valli and Street Fighting

Why do I write. Truthfully it’s because no on on God’s green earth has the patience to listen to all the things I have to say. Aside, perhaps, from my Mom. Her’s is an issue of time. I’m a natural-born extrovert so talking is in my blood. I love to talk and to share and to connect. Just ask some close friends of mine (or Cole--he suffers the most).

  

Given my very long hiatus from public writing, there is no possible or agreeable way to catch up. It was a whirlwind of a winter. Here’s a non-comprehensive summary:

There have been finals.

There have been friendships.

There have been parties planned and executed.

There have been attempted temple break-ins.

There has been heartache, breakups, and regrettable rebounds.

There have been baby strokes (medically termed as complex migraines) and hospital trips.

There have been out-of-control snapchat stories. *consider this my public apology*

There have been weddings of dear, dear friends.

There has been love.

There has been loss.

There has been growth.  

Perfect. I can't say anything else about the last six months here.

But I can say that I love to be American. It brings a lot of good things with it, including California.

Last weekend me and my two cousins made the trip to Sacramento to go see

Uncle Jose, Aunt Lisa, Grandma Marilyn and Grandpa Walt. The fam bam. The Hirschi side. The California side. The outrageous side

While at my grandparents house this weekend I came across my favorite painting in the world. They are quite the art collectors, but this piece is unmatched. It’s a painting of Grandma’s first six grandbabies. Brittany, Michael, Kylie, Me, Brandon and Jake. But there are only five bodies in the picture.

Yeah, five bodies for six babies.

We’re not sure how the commissioned artist got so bloody confused, but she melded Jake and Brandon’s bodies together into one super baby. We can’t help but wonder why the artist did this, but it’s the only time I’ve ever questioned Grandma’s extremely refined taste.

Super baby. Hahahahahah. 

Super Baby pictured middle front

In the end, the trip brought lots of fun memories—like my super smash brawl with a concerned citizen. Sunday night we went to a minor league ball game (God bless America) and after the game we had to walk what seemed like the entire Oregon trail to get back to our car. We finally made it to the parking garage, and Michael decided to pull his favorite prank: scare Aunt Lisa (you have to do what you can to keep those journeys light-hearted and positive). He and I were a little ahead so he hid behind a pillar and I stood out in the open. As Lisa and Jose approached they asked where Michael was,

“Oh up ahead” I said, feeling so proud of my discreet collaboration.

I’ve seen all the James Bond movies so this sort of thing comes very naturally to me.  #007

Then, right as Jose and Lisa are passing the pillar, a somewhat husky latino walks up right beside them on the side Michael is hiding. Michael jumps out and yells, 

“RAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRRRR!!!!”

and our new acquaintance was not what I would call “happy”. He stopped and glared at Michael and I thought Michael was about to get his front teeth smashed into his throat.

Ever the amicable jokester, Michael set to apologizing,

“Oh sorry man I was just trying to talk to my parents”

Meanwhile I’m trying to figure when you would talk to your parents that way? Like if you want raise in your allowance? An extended curfew? Discussing your dreams and goals? Discussing Donald trump?

Probably Trump.

the perturbed citizen continued on without a word.

However, his friends, just a couple feet behind him, would not be so easily placated.

In particular, a drunk woman who was smoking decided to pick on someone her own size. As the universe would have it, this turned out to be me.

‘WHATS GOING ON HERE YOU GUYS GOT A PROBLEM?!” she yells defiantly. We responded in unison, but Aunt Lisa was the most emphatic. “No”.

and this is where my eternal--and evidentially life-threatening--weakness betrayed me.

 I started laughing. Hard. Not at this new broad who is clearly disturbed, but at replaying the image of my cousin jumping out at that burley dude who was not so friendly.

I don’t think the lady was really in a state to appreciate my sense of humor #Godgiven, because as a I laughed, she began to yell obscenities at me and turned around, I believe, to fight me.

Now, strangely enough, I was not offended at her behavior. In fact, I was thinking that maybe this was a very good thing that was about to go down. Because I am 24 and I have never been in a fist fight with anyone ever. This is kind of hugely embarrassing to me! Everyone has had at least one good fight in their life. I think they are normally reserved for elementary school, middle school or even high school, but I haven’t ever punched anyone. (except for a sucker punch to my little brother’s abdomen when I was ten which had me reeling with guilt for about a week. I learned to control my temper after that.)

Point being, it is very cool to be in at least one fist fight. And I am abhorred at the lack of physical violence in my life’s journey. 

Unfortunately, Aunt Lisa’s emphatic replies got more emphatic, and my drunk opponent’s boyfriend restrained her.  I was standing there kind of stupid looking like “I don’t think she’s goes to Vasa so I can take her” #vasa

We didn’t fight. Which means I still gotta fight someone.  SOMEONE. Anyone.

a pic of the crew: Lisa and Jose are far left, Michael, my lil sis, Me,
Kylie, Jake, Aunt Kathy, Jackie and Scott

 So the moral of this weekend is 1. Family first always. And 2. Love never dies. Or if it does it must be really hard to kill it and 3. Always be ready to get your life’s fight in. any day, any time, any where.

Love Alaina