Vomiting is Fun

*this is a contrarian essay which means that you write about something universally loved or hated and try to spin it. I wrote about the thing i hate most in life: vomiting*

Life is normally horrible. The most incriminating evidence against life is vomiting. I have never known a single person who enjoyed the act of puking. This general distaste among humans for throwing up is natural. It is normally preceded by intense abdominal pain and intense fear and anxiety. Understandably, it may be called an “unpleasant sensation” when the contents of one’s stomach defy the laws of gravity and exit the body via mouth and/or nostrils (only in especially violent episodes of vomiting will this truly ~disgusting~ occurrence take place). 

                  This evidence is substantial, but it’s not the whole story. There are many virtues of vomiting which are routinely overlooked. First of all, vomiting is kind of exciting. For most people, their schedule is monotonous. They attend school, or go to work every single day. This is extremely boring. It is a relief to mix things up with a mild physical illness such as throwing up your guts. Vomiting is normally unexpected, and provides immediate spontaneity to any schedule.

In conjunction with vomiting adding variety to one’s personal life, it also is a powerful conversation starter. Because the daily routine is routine, your friends and family will get tired of talking to you. However, if one has recently become violently ill and vomited, your social circles will take a sudden new interest in your life. It is always fascinating to learn that someone puked! Curiosity is immediately piqued, and a flood of questions will come your way. “When did you throw up?” “How many times did you throw up?” “Why did you vomit?” “How bad was it?” “Are you going to throw up again?” “What color was it?” “Did you shower after you threw up?” If your social life is feeling dull or stunted, you can rise to the center of attention if you can just manage to throw up (for a legitimate reason—the author does not condone or support bulimia).

                  Another positive attribute of vomiting is the credibility it adds to the claim that “you are sick”. People are inclined to discredit anything you say because, in general, they think you are more pathetic than them. If you say you are sick, you must be prepared to offer irrefutable evidence of the horrible things that are happening to your body. For example, if you say, “I’m not feeling well, I think I need to go home”, everyone will believe you are a weak, incapable, and wasted collection of cells unless you can visually demonstrate what is going wrong. A fever is somewhat impressive, but the quickest way to validate your statement is to be able to say “yeah I threw up”, or even better “I am throwing up right now” (the more dramatic the better). Vomiting is the most effective way of showing you are genuinely ill.

Before you decide that vomiting is the greatest vice of this world, remember that it has many positive attributes that will contribute to making you more likeable, popular, and believable. Vomiting’s ability to improve your reputation makes it a wonderful part of this life!